New Intentions
The secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old but in building the new
– Socrates
For many the New Year brings a surge of motivation for implementing change, such as looking at how we want to grow as a person and what habits we want to change. And this can be a very positive practice to engage in, reflecting on the year that has passed and planning for the new year. However, this positive practice can soon become very negative for many as they start focusing on all that is wrong with them – ‘I drink too much’, ‘I don’t exercise enough’, ‘I work too much, ‘I don’t have any hobbies’. The resolution is then focused on what is ‘wrong’ with them and finding a way to change that. This is something that I have done countless times, so many times have I made resolutions to try and fix something that I thought was wrong with me – the most cliché one being ‘I want to lose weight’. And the worst part of it was always the guilt and shame I felt when I failed. Because let’s be realistic who has ever fully stuck to their resolution without any setbacks? And the whole time my focus was always on the scales or on the thing that was ‘wrong’ with me, bringing me nothing but frustration and disappointment. And the feeling of being a complete failure would arise every time I would do something that went against my resolution (like eat chocolate). And all of this negativity often resulted in me giving up on my resolution pretty quickly because I couldn’t hack feeling so disappointed all the time.
However, I am pleased to inform you that I did find a solution and it is all in how I frame my resolution as well as what I have decided to call them. Now I can’t take credit for the idea but when I heard it, it really resonated with me and has made all the difference to me when I decide to make any sort of change. So what I have begun to do is make new intentions rather than resolutions. I believe intentions have a much more compassionate energy to them and they aren´t tied to any sort of outcome, like resolutions often are. Intentions simply encourage us to be more mindful in our actions, to take stock before we do anything and think about whether that action is for or against the change we want to make. That way if we veer off course then we do so with more intention and it is ok as we can still keep the same intention for the next moment or the next day. I also find that when I set a new intention I have a lot more flexibility and balance in my decisions– I know I won´t be able to stick with it 100% but my intention is still the same and I show myself a lot more self-compassion. This way the feelings of disappointment, shame and guilt decrease significantly.
I also make the point of framing all my intentions in a positive manner. As I’ve already mentioned our resolutions or intentions can often be focused on fixing something that is wrong with us. This is a very negative way of thinking about ourselves, and doesn´t allow for much self-compassion. So instead, we need all of our intentions to be stated in the positive to reflect the positive we want to see in ourselves, this is a much nicer way of looking at any change we might want to make. So, for example say that you wanted to work less, that is you want to fix the problem that you work too much. Now to change this into a positive intention you could reframe it to wanting to spend more time with your family or more time on your hobbies. The goal is still the same but by simply reframing into a positive action it immediately means that all of our energies are focused on doing something positive rather than eliminating something negative.
Breaking old habits or building new ones is still a really hard thing to do even with these new adjustments but if we keep our focus on what the positive and what we want more of in our lives then it should make it a much more positive experience. Self-compassion is also key in making any change, because we will have moments, days or even weeks where we fail but what matters is carrying on and that is a lot easier to do when we are being kind to ourselves.
So I want to invite you to think about your own resolutions – are they focused on something you need to fix? If so, why don’t you have a play and see if you can’t turn them into positive intentions instead?
Linda x